Photo by Zack Frazier 12/30/02

Eccentric, charming, generous, loving, genuine, freakish, strange, sensual, outlandish, outgoing, beautiful, bewildering, opinionated..

I would rather be out there talking about world politics, traveling, just out there being. Having an incurable central nervous system disease is a lot of fun in some ways. You get a shit load of Vicodan, Morphine when you go the the ER, and to feel your spinal cord rotting from the inside out is just indescribable (for you morons out there every aborted fetus need to be used for stem cell research. Stick 'em in a blender and I'll suck them warm if it would keep me from suffering). Makes me more aware that we do not know diddly squat about the nerves and their functions, pathways or what part they play in healing.

Having caring friends and relatives makes life much more enjoyable but I still talk to my other Arachnoid Cyst girlfriends about blowing our fucking brains out from the pain. Too bad it has taken many years to figure out the real ones from the fakes.

My mother died January 29, 1998. I still miss her terribly but life goes on. My father doesn't give a shit. I wasn't a junkie, I wasn't a pregnant teen, just a brain damaged pawn caught between two fucked up people's divorce with intense feelings and I chose to write about my pain because he wouldn't talk to me anyway. He was too stupid to realize she was going to die and he would "win." For those of you kids out there struggling through abuse issues you DO NOT need a father as much as you think you do. Grow up, get the fuck out and live your life the way you want. 18 is not so long away.

The meaning of life, according to me, is to live as fully and completely as time and desire allow you. I have been in 14 different countries, I speak Russian fluently, I write, I create art, I graduated from college with a BFA in Photography and a BA in Russian.

If I could do everything I have done with a cyst in my brain what's your lame ass excuse?

My favorite exercise is fucking but they don't give the Presidential Fitness Award for that. And no... this doesn't mean I want to fuck you.

They say catastrophes come in 3s. I believe it from back when my sister, my mother and me were all terribly sick. My grandfather died the fucking DAY I flew back from LA for Christmas. Don't let anyone ever tell you that a day doesn't matter. I am going to be having brain surgery and I decided that I need a divorce for not getting the support I needed for catastrophe #1 and #2.

Lesson 2. You are alone. Utterly alone and most people suck and the ones you think suck the most are the ones that care the most about you and might even surprise you. I know I am surprised on a daily basis.

FUCK EVERYONE. Live each day as if it were your last.

Leave something cool behind.

Love as much as possible even though it hurts and you may never see the benefit.

Party like hell. I had the fucking time of my life this New Year's and everyone is STILL talking about that party in Chicago. Everyone knew it would be hard to beat but they have said that ever since the Halloween parties we used to go to. I can't wait until next year as long as I am as normal as I hope to be.